Rip and Tear in 2026: My Humorous Ranking of DOOM's Best Weapons

Hello, fellow demon slayers! It's 2026, and I'm still stuck in the endless cycle of ripping and tearing. You'd think after all these years, the demons would learn. But no, they keep coming, and I keep finding new ways to turn them into gibs. Over the years, I've developed a very personal relationship with each weapon in my arsenal. Some are like old friends, others are like that weird cousin you only bring out for special occasions. Today, I'm going to rank the best weapons based on my own bloody experience. So grab your Super Shotgun, and let's dive in.

The Chainsaw: My Personal Ammo Vending Machine

Ah, the Chainsaw. In the old days, it was about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. But now? It's my go-to for a quick ammo snack. There's nothing quite like revving this bad boy and watching an Imp explode into a shower of bullets. It's like a piñata, but instead of candy, you get shotgun shells. The fuel system is a bit of a buzzkill—you can't just chainsaw everything in sight. But when you're running low on ammo, this is your best friend. Just remember: use it on the little guys, because wasting fuel on a Baron of Hell is like using a flamethrower to light a candle. Not efficient.

Rocket Launcher: The Explosive Swiss Army Knife

If there's one weapon that never gets old, it's the Rocket Launcher. It's the Swiss Army knife of destruction—if Swiss Army knives exploded and turned demons into red mist. The area-of-effect damage is perfect for when you're surrounded by a horde of imps and you just want some personal space. And the Lock-On Burst mod? Chef's kiss. Three rockets that track your target? Yes, please. I've used this to stagger Cyberdemons and then finish them with a glory kill. It's like a fireworks show, but the fireworks are made of pain. Plus, it doesn't share ammo with any other weapon, so you can go absolutely nuts. Just don't blow yourself up. Trust me, I've done that. More than once.

Unmaykr: The BFG's Automatic Cousin

The Unmaykr is what happens when the BFG 9000 goes to the gym and gets a machine gun upgrade. It fires argent energy like a boss, shredding through crowds of demons in tight corridors. It's also fantastic for melting boss health bars. But here's the catch: it uses the same ammo as the BFG. So if you fire even one shot, you've essentially committed to using the whole 30-unit cell. It's like opening a bag of chips—you can't just eat one. So either go all in or save it for when things get really hairy. I usually save it for when I'm cornered by a bunch of Hell Knights and I just want them to disappear.

The Crucible: My Emergency "Delete" Button

The Crucible is basically a giant red lightsaber that says, "Nope, you're done." One stab and even the biggest, baddest demon turns into a pile of goo. Except for those annoying Marauders and bosses who are immune. But for everything else? It's pure satisfaction. You get three charges, and each charge is a one-hit kill. I like to save these for Tyrants or Doom Hunters when I'm feeling lazy. It's like having a "skip fight" button. Just don't waste it on an Imp—that's like using a nuclear bomb to kill a mosquito. Though, I'll admit, I've done that just for fun.

Soul Cube: The One-Hit Wonder That Still Haunts Me

Ah, the Soul Cube. Only in Doom 3, but what a game-changer. You kill five demons, and then you can one-shot almost anything. It's like a loyalty program: kill five, get one free instant kill. I remember using this on the Cyberdemon and feeling like a god. But then I had to kill more Imps to recharge it. It's a bit of a grind, but when you're in a tight spot, that cube is a lifesaver. Plus, it's a floating cube that whispers to you. What's not to love? I wish they'd bring it back in modern DOOM, but maybe it's better as a one-hit wonder.

Gauss Cannon & Ballista: The Dynamic Duo of Piercing Pain

I'm grouping these two together because they're basically the same weapon with different skins. The Gauss Cannon is sci-fi, the Ballista is hellish fantasy, but both fire high-energy beams that turn demons into Swiss cheese. They're high damage, low fire rate, so you need to make every shot count. But when you nail a headshot on a Marauder, it's pure bliss. The Ballista combined with the Super Shotgun is my go-to combo for those pesky Marauders. And the mods let you zoom in or charge up for even more damage. It's like a sniper rifle and a cannon had a baby. I use these for boss fights and for when I want to feel like a badass.

Super Shotgun: The Meat Hook of My Dreams

The Super Shotgun is the bread and butter of DOOM. It's a double-barreled monster that can turn most demons into paste with one blast. But get too far away, and it's about as effective as throwing popcorn. In Doom Eternal, it got the Meat Hook, which lets you grapple onto demons and pull yourself in for a close-up. It's like a violent hug. I use this to close the gap on Hell Knights and then blast them in the face. It's also great for traversal—who needs a grappling hook when you can just yank yourself toward a Cacodemon? This is the weapon I always come back to. It's reliable, it's brutal, and it never gets old.

BFG 9000: The "I Win" Button

And finally, the king. The BFG 9000. Big Fing Gun. It's been in every DOOM game, and for good reason. It fires a massive green ball of death that clears entire rooms. The ammo is scarce, the fire rate is slow, but who cares? When you pull the trigger, you feel like a god. It's the ultimate "get out of jail free" card. I save it for when I'm overwhelmed or when a boss is about to kill me. It's overkill, but sometimes overkill is exactly what you need. I mean, it's called the Big Fing Gun. What more do you need to know?

So there you have it, my 2026 ranking of the best DOOM weapons. Of course, this is just my opinion. Your mileage may vary depending on how many demons you've personally eviscerated. But one thing is for sure: no matter which weapon you choose, the only wrong way to play DOOM is to not rip and tear. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a BFG shot with a Cyberdemon's name on it.

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